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A Demonstration of IFS session for Healing Anxiety
with Emily Kerpelman
Do you struggle with a busy mind? (How can we not, with the pace of life??) Whether you’re seeking to quiet your monkey brain for meditation, or you simply want to be free from gripping anxiety, today’s practice has the potential to give you the inner calm you crave.
IFS (Internal Family Systems) is my favorite tool for doing inner work. Last week Emily Kerpelman, IFS practitioner and superwoman, joined me for a conversation about what IFS and how it works. This week, we’ll show you a demonstration of how you can use this in your own life!
00;00;07;03 - 00;00;35;27
Kelly Deutsch
Welcome to Spiritual Wanderlust, where we explore our interior life in search of the sacred. Many of us will travel the whole world to find ourselves but here will follow those longings within to our spiritual and emotional landscapes. In each episode, we'll talk with inspiring guests, contemplative teachers, embodiment experts, neuropsychologists and mystics with a blend of ancient wisdom and modern science, along with a healthy dash of mischief.
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Kelly Deutsch
Will deep dove into divine intimacy and what it means to behold. I'm your host, Kelly Deutsch.
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Kelly Deutsch
Hello, everyone. Kelly Deutsch. Here I am here, joined by Emily Kerpelman again last week. We did a we had a conversation about shadow work and effects, internal family systems and how IFRS can help you work through all of those shadow parts and those parts of us that targets in so many different directions. And today, we wanted to give a demonstration of what that actually looks like because sometimes it's a little hard to understand a model until you actually see it or experience it for yourself.
00;01;27;00 - 00;01;42;25
Kelly Deutsch
And so Emily is an IFRS coach. I use IFRS both in spiritual direction and coaching. And so today we were going to have Emily be the client, and I was going to play the coach or practitioner so that you can all see what it's like to.
00;01;42;25 - 00;01;44;07
Emily Kerpelman
Have parts.
00;01;44;07 - 00;01;52;27
Kelly Deutsch
Coming up, the different voices, the tensions that we feel within and how IFRS helps us navigate those things. Emily, what did I miss?
00;01;52;27 - 00;02;12;09
Emily Kerpelman
Anything near so articulate? My parts were just like the parts of me that were listening. First off, I felt like I needed to cough as soon as you please press the recording button. There we go. Better. And no, I think you really covered it well, so I'm glad that you did the intro there.
00;02;12;24 - 00;02;13;10
Kelly Deutsch
Wonderful.
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Emily Kerpelman
Yeah. I don't have to do anything.
00;02;16;06 - 00;02;34;09
Kelly Deutsch
To let all of our listeners know this is not rehearsed. I don't know what Emily is going to talk about today. We're just going to have a short demo session, see what parts come up. And that's that's always how it is. And I have a session. You don't really know where it's going to go. We're going to go talk to some parts, see who comes up and see what we can discover.
00;02;35;01 - 00;02;56;00
Emily Kerpelman
So I will say that's my one of my favorite things about IFRS is I don't have to be the expert in my client's experience. I'm just there to guide. And that's a nice change of pace because as practitioners, I feel like there's a lot of expectation that we are the super humans that can hold somebody's stuff and fix it for them.
00;02;56;20 - 00;02;59;15
Emily Kerpelman
It doesn't require that. So I love that.
00;03;01;02 - 00;03;05;18
Kelly Deutsch
Yeah, it's more of a facilitator than an expert.
00;03;06;00 - 00;03;09;05
Emily Kerpelman
Yes, exactly. That's just wonderful.
00;03;09;22 - 00;03;43;25
Kelly Deutsch
Yeah, cool. Well, the way I like to usually start these is to just have a minute of silence to be able to breathe, be aware of where you are, you get settled into your own skin and also to do I like to call it a body scan, but sometimes it's that feels a little too much like doing like, okay, now I got to do this thing where I scan my body, but to just have an awareness, like, see what in your body presents itself as like, hey, I have some tension over here.
00;03;43;25 - 00;03;46;10
Kelly Deutsch
Could you give me some attention.
00;03;46;10 - 00;03;46;23
Emily Kerpelman
Or.
00;03;47;01 - 00;03;52;13
Kelly Deutsch
In this direction? So anyway, we'll take a minute, breathe and see what comes up.
00;03;53;06 - 00;03;53;19
Emily Kerpelman
Okay.
00;04;48;14 - 00;04;49;03
Emily Kerpelman
Thank you.
00;04;53;21 - 00;04;57;18
Kelly Deutsch
Anything in particular that you noticed or would like to share.
00;04;58;04 - 00;04;58;14
Emily Kerpelman
About.
00;04;59;11 - 00;05;04;04
Kelly Deutsch
Body sensations? Or other awarenesses? Yeah, in silence.
00;05;04;28 - 00;05;38;13
Emily Kerpelman
Well, it feels like a day that's going to be pretty busy, busy brained for me because if that moment of silence is any indication because first it was an awareness of this, like a performance part that really it just really wants to do a good job and, you know, be able to offer something useful to my friend Kelly in this in this in this demo.
00;05;38;14 - 00;06;08;03
Emily Kerpelman
And soon as I acknowledge that feeling, it was something like in my chest and stomach that was sort of like a a buzzing sort of sensation, like an unsettled can't sit still sort of feeling. It sort of eased But then immediately I had like practitioner parts or like coach parts come in that were like, I don't think I'm ever quiet in sessions with my clients.
00;06;08;03 - 00;06;33;11
Emily Kerpelman
Like, I even when we do a meditation in the beginning, I'm talking them through, you know, noticing and how useful it is to just be silent and like there's little parts that are just tape. Like it's a great idea to try that because there is so much that pops up and then there's a part that's like trying to track it all So I guess there really wasn't that much that popped up.
00;06;33;11 - 00;06;41;02
Emily Kerpelman
It just felt like a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At some with just.
00;06;41;16 - 00;06;47;27
Kelly Deutsch
Talking with somebody who was amazed that like, oh, so I'm not the only one who has like all these millions.
00;06;47;27 - 00;06;51;17
Emily Kerpelman
Of voices inside like, nope. Yeah. Oh, we all are.
00;06;52;05 - 00;06;53;12
Kelly Deutsch
Usually call it thinking.
00;06;54;10 - 00;07;21;10
Emily Kerpelman
Yes. And how it's like, so rapid fire. And if you slow something down like, I could talk about, like, guys parts that are, like, the coolest. And they just want to talk about all of it. But just how thoughts can cascade or progress milliseconds. Part. Part, part, part, part, part, part, part. Part. And then if you slow it down, you can see how one thing leads to another and how it's just this chain reaction of tiny little moments.
00;07;22;07 - 00;07;35;27
Emily Kerpelman
Mm hmm. And yet at first, realizing that I felt like a like I was crazy, that there was just too much in there and. Oh, my God, how was I going to just remember that in the beginning. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00;07;36;15 - 00;07;45;03
Kelly Deutsch
Do you have any particular part that wants attention today, or did you already have like a kind of trailhead in mind where you wanted to start?
00;07;46;01 - 00;08;07;26
Emily Kerpelman
Yeah, I, I had something pop up just a moment ago, actually, when I was considering what I wanted to focus on. And it's a part of me. I think that I've worked with this before, but I don't know if I have directly, honestly, there's a part of me, and it feels. Let's see. Okay. We start off with just like, what I know about it.
00;08;08;10 - 00;08;46;22
Emily Kerpelman
So there's a part of me that is pretty critical and it's critical of when I say something that for lack, just simplicity sake was wrong. Possibly that maybe it came out wrong or it affected somebody in a way I didn't intend or hurt someone's feelings or it didn't have the response I was looking for that. When I'm saying that that is also a part, right?
00;08;46;22 - 00;09;08;13
Emily Kerpelman
Like that there's a part that's like tracking responses was like, Oh, that wasn't what I expected. Hmm. And so there's a part that's tracking, but also there's a critical voice in my head that spins over and over and over the whatever it was that I said and how the person responded and sort of beats me up about it.
00;09;08;18 - 00;09;09;10
Emily Kerpelman
Hmm. Mm hmm.
00;09;14;10 - 00;09;25;07
Emily Kerpelman
And it feels like something a teenager would do, right? This this it has this insecurity element to it that really feels like I did when I was a young teen.
00;09;27;26 - 00;09;57;28
Emily Kerpelman
This awareness. And it's shame to like, it has a little bit of shame when it makes a mistake. Like, this is what it what it can mean But there is this, like, critical, critical voice to it. And it's a bit obsessive and there's a part of me that's like, oh, crap. I was probably a little more vulnerable than I even thought of when I thought of it because I was so curious about, oh, yeah, that is kind of there.
00;09;58;09 - 00;10;07;02
Emily Kerpelman
And now me saying it out loud, I'm like, there's this other part of me is like, you sound you sound like you're not very grown up there.
00;10;09;14 - 00;10;10;01
Emily Kerpelman
Yeah.
00;10;12;01 - 00;10;14;17
Kelly Deutsch
Yeah. Can I speak to that part that just popped up?
00;10;14;29 - 00;10;15;09
Emily Kerpelman
Yeah.
00;10;16;01 - 00;10;36;16
Kelly Deutsch
Yeah. So I'm very thankful that you stepped in and voiced your concern. This part that is concerned that you sound not very grown up, but I also would like to reassure that part that we all have very young parts that do very immature things.
00;10;37;16 - 00;10;37;28
Emily Kerpelman
Yeah.
00;10;38;10 - 00;10;54;00
Kelly Deutsch
Yeah, I, I think of the time that I spent in the corporate world and how many people are acting like six year olds, you know, even though they're like, you know, 50 year old white men who are being paid lots of money. So there is absolutely no shame and having those things, because that's actually what makes you normal.
00;10;54;15 - 00;10;55;01
Emily Kerpelman
Hmm.
00;10;58;00 - 00;11;26;22
Emily Kerpelman
Yeah. Letting that sink in for a second, that's what makes me normal, because this part really feels like it's teenage, obsessive and you really should have figured this out by now. Hmm. So it's also a critical voice. Mm hmm. I've got a few of those. If anyone listening can connect me like that. Yeah, I have my parents. There's these critical voices when I first really listen to what they were saying You're so mean to me.
00;11;27;11 - 00;11;33;04
Emily Kerpelman
You're the meanest. And I would never speak this way to anyone else. Right? It's just inside my head.
00;11;35;07 - 00;11;35;20
Emily Kerpelman
Yeah.
00;11;40;26 - 00;11;44;22
Kelly Deutsch
How are you feeling towards that critical part? The one that's upset with the teenager.
00;11;47;17 - 00;12;25;27
Emily Kerpelman
And it's interesting. I think I'm curious because I'm saying, you know, it's interesting that I was feeling so open about this just a second ago. Hmm. And there is something that changed from before pressing record to now that it doesn't feel like a good idea anymore. But that's to this part. And so I'm hearing that, and I'm just curious about that, because when I'm feeling more centered and in self, this is very scary to me.
00;12;26;06 - 00;12;58;00
Emily Kerpelman
Hmm. Mm hmm. It's not scary at all in the What I'm getting is that there's like, there's an element of shame all wrapped around this whole thing, like the fact that it exists And then also what happens inside this cycle. There's shame wrapped up in there. So it's just this, like, double wrapping of, like, kind of ashamed that this happens, and then there is shame dumped on to me when it happens.
00;12;58;21 - 00;13;10;11
Emily Kerpelman
Mm hmm. It isn't saying that, like, I'm getting a little more distance from it and feeling badly for it being that way. Yeah.
00;13;16;14 - 00;13;22;13
Kelly Deutsch
Does that shame part have a name Or can you ask it what it wants to be called?
00;13;31;25 - 00;13;46;28
Emily Kerpelman
You know, this work is so interesting. So I've learned in practice that you don't discount the first response. You just listen. And whatever it is, even if it feels strange, then it's okay to go with it.
00;13;50;18 - 00;14;20;17
Emily Kerpelman
But immediately there was this like, so okay. So I'm a pretty visual person when I'm working through feelings and thoughts and all that, it kind of shows up in my mind visually. Yeah, there's kind of like this cylindrical, sort of like almost like a circus ride sort of thing that's like right here. And that holds this whole, like, movie that plays and plays and plays and then the shame around that.
00;14;20;17 - 00;14;46;03
Emily Kerpelman
So that's its own little container. Hmm. Then there's this part over here looking at it, and that one feels ashamed of its existence and is kind of like, Maybe we shouldn't talk about that. Maybe we shouldn't have expose that that's there because it's kind of a I'm kind of ashamed feeling of it. And when I asked what it wanted to be, when you ask, like, what is this part that feels that shame want to be called?
00;14;46;16 - 00;15;01;29
Emily Kerpelman
It doesn't even want to be associated with shame. Hmm. Like, there was this, like, kind of like, I think touch something hot. Yeah. Feeling in my head of like, nope. Yeah. I don't have my name associated with that.
00;15;02;12 - 00;15;25;08
Kelly Deutsch
Right. Right. If if it's kind of like a double layer of shame, you know, where the circus. Right. Is all, like, has those elements of shame. And then outside, it's like. But I'm feeling a little bit ashamed or something or whatever. Language it wants to use about the circus. Right? Even existing Yeah. How would it like us to address it?
00;15;29;19 - 00;15;40;00
Emily Kerpelman
For now, saying, I'm going to stand over here in this shadow, like there's a little shadow in the room, and it's like, and you can talk to me, but I don't really want you to call me anything. I don't want anyone to know I'm here.
00;15;40;06 - 00;15;40;16
Kelly Deutsch
Okay.
00;15;40;23 - 00;15;41;06
Emily Kerpelman
Okay.
00;15;41;17 - 00;15;41;25
Kelly Deutsch
Yeah.
00;15;41;26 - 00;15;47;18
Emily Kerpelman
The feeling I'm getting is just. Yeah, and as I was saying, and it's bizarre, but that's just work, man.
00;15;47;26 - 00;15;48;23
Kelly Deutsch
Totally great.
00;15;49;14 - 00;15;50;20
Emily Kerpelman
So that happens.
00;15;51;20 - 00;15;56;10
Kelly Deutsch
We have a whole menagerie of parts and all sorts of personalities.
00;15;56;14 - 00;16;10;29
Emily Kerpelman
And tendencies and emotions. Yeah. Yeah. It can be surprising even to me, when this is my inside my own head. That it can be surprising to me is just. It's funny. Hmm. Yeah. Yeah.
00;16;11;14 - 00;16;17;15
Kelly Deutsch
Is this part okay if we talk with it for a little while? Or how are your parts feeling? In general?
00;16;20;26 - 00;16;53;14
Emily Kerpelman
Well, I just took a little scope again of what's showing up. So there's the the part that doesn't really want us to me to acknowledge that that is there. Then there is the thing that's there and as you can hear, my baby is distracting me a little bit, is just making sounds and asleep Yes.
00;16;56;12 - 00;17;31;16
Emily Kerpelman
Um, so this part one in the shadows is, is like, I can sense it really doesn't want to have anything to do with this. And so what I'm saying is, look, I'm, I'm good to lead this and to go in here and just see what's going on with this. Like thing. Mm hmm.
00;17;35;04 - 00;18;05;08
Emily Kerpelman
And I'm hearing what it says about this feels too young. It feels kind of teenage and like Like to feel like the behavior itself is like allowing people too much power. Hmm. In a way, because whatever. However they respond to what I said, that is how they have the power to make me feel better or something. When this part.
00;18;05;08 - 00;18;08;14
Emily Kerpelman
When this system is all activated. Uh.
00;18;08;22 - 00;18;10;28
Kelly Deutsch
Yeah. Almost like they hold the puppet strings.
00;18;11;14 - 00;18;19;20
Emily Kerpelman
Yeah. And this part really doesn't like the idea of someone else having control over how I feel. Hmm. Mm hmm. And that's really making sense to me.
00;18;21;00 - 00;18;23;21
Kelly Deutsch
Is the the part in the shadows that doesn't like that.
00;18;25;09 - 00;18;35;26
Emily Kerpelman
And it's saying to I can if you tell everyone about this, then they'll know. And then maybe they can actually exploit it. Mm hmm.
00;18;38;03 - 00;18;59;08
Emily Kerpelman
And I'm letting it feel to that. Like this. This is familiar to me. I've actually. I have done work with this part before. In the beginning, I wasn't sure. It was like, I know that I'm familiar with this happening, but I can't remember if I've done work with it. And it feels like something that used to happen doesn't happen that much anymore.
00;18;59;10 - 00;19;08;07
Emily Kerpelman
But sometimes it does Whereas before I started doing this work, it was a lot more frequent. So I've definitely done work with this. Yeah.
00;19;09;19 - 00;19;11;19
Kelly Deutsch
Is that part in the shadows aware of that?
00;19;12;10 - 00;19;30;23
Emily Kerpelman
Yeah. And it's me being curious about why it so happens is kind of leading the charge now in this part is like, well, maybe like maybe we can figure out why it so happens because it's really uncomfortable when it does. Mm hmm. It's kind of on board now.
00;19;31;08 - 00;19;35;14
Kelly Deutsch
Yeah. Okay. So is that part in the shadows okay with us talking with the teenager part, maybe.
00;19;41;20 - 00;19;50;05
Emily Kerpelman
It's a little uneasy, but it's like, I guess go for it. Sure. Yeah, it happens. Right And I sing me, you know. Right.
00;19;50;16 - 00;20;02;29
Kelly Deutsch
I was going to say, that part is welcome to hang out on the sidelines with us. It doesn't have to go away. And if there's something that feels too vulnerable, it's welcome to step in and put the kibosh on it. If it really if it needs to.
00;20;07;02 - 00;20;32;11
Emily Kerpelman
Come in and laugh at me for trying to keep my eyes closed and drink my drink at the same time. But like, you know, if I had a straw here, like, going fine, why didn't I just open my eyes? That was silly. You're of funny. And I'm really hoping and really hoping that I was on the camera in the recording when it happened.
00;20;33;00 - 00;20;39;02
Emily Kerpelman
It was pretty great. Anyways, okay. That that was amazing.
00;20;42;14 - 00;20;43;26
Emily Kerpelman
Always appreciate levity.
00;20;52;09 - 00;21;16;27
Emily Kerpelman
Okay. So, yeah, um, so approaching this system it is spinning pretty quickly. Hmm. Standing outside of it, it's like the right is engaged. It seems like one of those that sticks everyone to the wall because it's spinning. Mm hmm. But I'm outside of that right now. Hmm. Mm hmm.
00;21;17;08 - 00;21;24;11
Kelly Deutsch
Yeah. Is it aware that you're there Kind of.
00;21;24;21 - 00;21;32;06
Emily Kerpelman
I'm more aware of the fact that it's active right now. Like, it's really paying attention to what I'm saying. Hmm.
00;21;34;11 - 00;21;55;03
Emily Kerpelman
Especially, it seems like this part might be attached to the performer parts that want to do a good job. It really analyzes what I'm saying. Especially if there's an audience listening. Mm hmm. It can feel that that pressure is I want to sound like a dum dum or distract or derail the conversation.
00;21;58;24 - 00;22;06;01
Kelly Deutsch
And is that that teenager partners at a different part Okay.
00;22;06;20 - 00;22;42;09
Emily Kerpelman
That's a good question. So this is more like preventative measure. So there's something that exists in this system that keeps me, like, tries to to filter the things that I might say in sort of, like, picks things and chooses things and sort of runs the show. But if something gets through that wasn't quite right or, you know, makes me look ridiculous or somehow mucks things up.
00;22;42;18 - 00;23;08;07
Emily Kerpelman
Mm hmm. Then there's another one that comes up and is just like heavy blows beating me up. And revisiting, revisiting, revisiting. Or after it said it, like, there's this anxiety spike thing that happens. It's like oh, crap. That actually wasn't that funny. Or I'll shoot. That didn't come out right. Like, it could be that they could interpret it this way or that way.
00;23;08;15 - 00;23;28;09
Emily Kerpelman
Oh, no. Oh, no. How are they going to, you know, I can't take it back. It's showing me text messages in particular. It's like when I'm waiting for someone's response and how how I like how it's really afraid to feel shame. Hmm.
00;23;30;14 - 00;24;00;17
Emily Kerpelman
But it's like there's an anxious spin. Yeah. And as I'm saying this, like, it isn't as much a critical voice yet. It's just this worry. It's like attempt to prevent. There's the worry around what I said. But I guess there is a little critical voice in here somewhere that's saying, Oh, God, why did I say, like, oh, it gets really irritated that it kind of just down on itself.
00;24;00;22 - 00;24;10;00
Emily Kerpelman
Down on me is what it feels like, but it's just, like, worthless. Like, why did I say that? Hmm. Yeah.
00;24;10;26 - 00;24;15;13
Kelly Deutsch
So I'm hearing there's kind of the scanner and the filter.
00;24;16;04 - 00;24;16;08
Emily Kerpelman
Mm.
00;24;16;28 - 00;24;19;25
Kelly Deutsch
And, like, okay, what's coming in? What's going out?
00;24;22;06 - 00;24;41;14
Kelly Deutsch
And then there's the response, like, once that filter is done, its job or the scanner has done its job, and it's like, you know, scans a whole environment, then turn, turn, turn, turn. And you know, decides, like, okay, I found something. I'll shoot, you know, and either, like, kind of freaks out or, you know, it's almost like fight or flight.
00;24;41;14 - 00;24;46;09
Kelly Deutsch
It's either, you know, maybe angry or frustrated, or it might be just anxious and worried and.
00;24;46;09 - 00;25;10;07
Emily Kerpelman
Like, well, yeah, yeah. That's a good descriptor. Yeah, that's pretty much it. There's like three parts there They just had a thought that went away somewhere. Got whisked away. Look, So we'll see if that returns. I don't know. Sure.
00;25;17;00 - 00;25;45;06
Emily Kerpelman
Yeah. Like, okay, so this this is sort it's sort of becoming clear to me. Feels right that this I mean, it seems obvious now, but this system of parts just really wants me to connect well with others and wants me to be cool and liked and to fit in very. I think these are qualities that stick with us, but are we wear them on our sleeves as teenagers.
00;25;45;16 - 00;26;01;12
Emily Kerpelman
And that's that is, I think, where the quality comes from. Why it feels so teenage is that it is so desperate for this whole system. There's this, like, desperation for connection and wanting to fit. Yeah.
00;26;04;18 - 00;26;06;25
Kelly Deutsch
How do you feel toward that system of parts.
00;26;12;21 - 00;26;32;22
Emily Kerpelman
Well, the one in the shadows just came up and is like, I can just it's not actually getting in my way, but it's saying back here like, yeah, to vulnerable, like in to needy. Like that's the quality. This one hates that it seems needy and I'm exposed and I'm exposing the fact that there's something inside of me that's needy.
00;26;33;14 - 00;27;02;23
Emily Kerpelman
And I have parts that abhor that in others you know, before it in me, just any sort of display of neediness I've been taught from probably around middle school is what it feels like is like I'm getting this image right now of when I was in middle school, I had three my three best friends, four little boys, basically three little boys and me.
00;27;03;08 - 00;27;38;07
Emily Kerpelman
And they would always tease me for being a girl and how like any sort of like feminine or any sort of like dramatic feeling or over the top or any sort of display that was I don't know. It's kind of like I would stick my neck out a little and I would get teased for it, and I became very, very shy in middle school.
00;27;38;23 - 00;28;07;18
Emily Kerpelman
Hmm. Which is interesting to see it that way because I thought I was always shy, but it was something that developed then because I was afraid of saying anything. So I didn't want to be teased for how I felt. Hmm. Hmm. So this one, this in the shadows, makes sense to me now. Like, I'm understanding it better that it just really doesn't want this to exist because I've been taught that this is not wanted.
00;28;07;29 - 00;28;37;04
Emily Kerpelman
It's shameful. It's also just, like, unnecessary and that it's something that people don't want around. It's like neediness, like, why can't you just stand on your own feet and be cool Yeah. Yeah, I can do that. I can just squash this down somewhere about that. Sure. Yeah. So this all happens in secret. So, like, it getting squashed down.
00;28;37;26 - 00;28;45;21
Emily Kerpelman
That's really, like, I'm seeing that. That's where the shameful, shameful feeling about it existing is coming from is like, I got to put this somewhere Sure.
00;28;45;29 - 00;28;48;02
Kelly Deutsch
Is that with that part in the shadows? Does.
00;28;48;21 - 00;29;17;26
Emily Kerpelman
Mm hmm. Yeah, it really doesn't like that. But now that I'm seeing that that's the case, I really doesn't like for it to be exposed. I have more distance and, like, understanding what's happening is helping me so much right now. I feel it. I can feel like that. I get it. There's a lot of a lot of like, kind of describe it.
00;29;17;26 - 00;29;32;01
Emily Kerpelman
Like, there's like a knot tied really tight. And as I'm as I'm having an understanding, I'm able to, like, loosen the knot and it's just not quite as tight anymore.
00;29;37;08 - 00;30;09;26
Emily Kerpelman
Which feels nice. Yeah. Not as much of a clamp down on on this. Yeah. Hmm. I really like I keep having these. You know, been doing this work for almost four years as a client and a practitioner, and I keep still kind of getting this bird's eye view on what's happening, being like, wow, this is crazy. Like, I didn't know.
00;30;10;04 - 00;30;29;14
Emily Kerpelman
You know, there's things that I still find that are energizing because of when when when I'm when I'm understanding what's happening. There's this, like, deep ringing bell of connection that just feels so good until I connect to the. Oh, I get it. I, I get it now.
00;30;29;27 - 00;30;32;14
Kelly Deutsch
Mm hmm. Yeah. Those aha moments where you're like.
00;30;33;00 - 00;30;50;19
Emily Kerpelman
Oh, Mm hmm. And then it's all back here somewhere. And if I, if I can just slow down for a second that I can see how everything's connected and there's just something so beautiful about that and how it feels coming back. Yeah.
00;30;50;25 - 00;30;55;24
Kelly Deutsch
Yeah. It sounds like there's another part that's just, like, marveling at all of this. Like, look. Yes. Up in there.
00;30;56;12 - 00;31;03;18
Emily Kerpelman
Yes. And it's holding all of this awareness of, like, this is so cool, man. Yeah, it's cool. I'm like, yeah, this is cool.
00;31;03;18 - 00;31;03;28
Kelly Deutsch
That's cool.
00;31;03;28 - 00;31;05;16
Emily Kerpelman
Yeah, yeah.
00;31;06;29 - 00;31;14;04
Kelly Deutsch
I'm wondering if you want to express some gratitude towards that part hanging out in the shadows. It just shared a lot of information with us.
00;31;16;22 - 00;31;17;02
Emily Kerpelman
Mm hmm.
00;31;19;15 - 00;31;19;28
Emily Kerpelman
Yeah.
00;31;20;06 - 00;31;21;05
Kelly Deutsch
How does it respond.
00;31;26;02 - 00;32;01;01
Emily Kerpelman
Well, it didn't realize that it was going to feel so much better from talking to me. It was it was nervous and concerned to to air anything out because of what could happen, the exposure and. Yeah, but it's understanding that when I see the connections is why it feels the way it does. And like, as that was aired out the awareness that it came from something that was taught, to me that isn't necessarily a universal truth.
00;32;01;02 - 00;32;24;27
Emily Kerpelman
It was something I acquired from these silly little boys that were my friends. Right. And they were teasing me and like, I boys don't really know how to what to do with a girl. A lot of the time that age and how they probably were wanting to be my friend but didn't know how and and I I was doing the same thing.
00;32;25;26 - 00;32;46;01
Emily Kerpelman
There's a part of me that was so happy that I had friends because when I was that age, I didn't have many because people were just not very nice to me. And these, you know, little kids can be so mean. And then these three boys on the bus, we became friends. And I really, really wanted them to like me.
00;32;46;20 - 00;33;13;24
Emily Kerpelman
And I saw an opportunity to prune, basically, knew I was to be liked by somebody, by anyone. These three kids seem to accept me and like, that's what this is just coming, like, in Torrance now from this one. Yeah. Wow. But what I'm realizing is and this this feels like more more like a bird's eye view part, right?
00;33;13;25 - 00;33;39;13
Emily Kerpelman
That's like I see the whole picture I wonder if they would have been my friend no matter what. No. And there's this kind of like, knowing that they would have still accepted me and that they were teasing me because they liked me. They weren't actual criticisms. Hmm. Hmm.
00;33;41;14 - 00;33;52;28
Emily Kerpelman
But it was. It felt so real at the time and so precarious, and I couldn't take a risk. Yeah. Oh, poor little poor little Emily. Yeah.
00;33;55;09 - 00;33;59;19
Kelly Deutsch
And extend some compassion to that middle schooler.
00;34;01;09 - 00;34;21;24
Emily Kerpelman
How important it was and scary like, I, you know, I had a friend that was my friend, and then we came back. We had a summer, and then, like, the last month of summer, she just never called. We didn't play. And then we went back to school, and she and she rode the same busses, me also, and she just wouldn't talk to me.
00;34;21;24 - 00;34;45;10
Emily Kerpelman
And I had no idea why I had no idea what happened. I was like, that was my friend. And then another friend moved away from two little friends, and I can see them both in my mind's eye. One of them was like four foot ten. She had these big, big glasses, and she was just like, so cute. I don't know what happened to her.
00;34;45;10 - 00;35;06;25
Emily Kerpelman
She moved away. She was one of my little friends. And then this other friend that just decided that she'd had enough of me or something, and I had no idea what I did wrong. And so that had just happened. And then these three little boys that were just the best of friends together they started talking to me on the bus and teasing me, and we were all laughing.
00;35;06;25 - 00;35;18;23
Emily Kerpelman
And then all of a sudden, I had friends again. And it was, you know, there was some time in between both events So, yeah, I'm really sensing how important that was. Right. Yeah. Yeah.
00;35;18;24 - 00;35;30;14
Kelly Deutsch
Like those parts were trying to help you have that connection. That they crave so much, especially considering the experience that they just had. Like, we don't want to do that again. Look, somebody is giving us some attention.
00;35;31;07 - 00;35;56;13
Emily Kerpelman
Like a connection connection. Connection. Yes, yes, yes. And I'm also seeing like, you know, how, how in formative years, how easy, like in effects the idea is all parts are welcome. And even now, it's hard to believe sometimes that there are parts of me that I don't want to look at that they actually are welcome out in the open It's hard to believe that sometimes.
00;35;56;24 - 00;36;08;20
Emily Kerpelman
Yeah. And it's just, you know, I've been doing this work for so long, running into that again, it's like it's part in the shadows. And believe that this was is okay to be out. Hmm.
00;36;11;03 - 00;36;25;06
Emily Kerpelman
Because we prune ourselves and we're young, and that's what I'm really saying is like, I needed to make myself fit. And there's certain elements of me that I was learning were not welcome. Mm hmm. Yeah.
00;36;29;16 - 00;36;37;19
Kelly Deutsch
How does that part? I think that applies to present day Emily like this whole realization that.
00;36;37;26 - 00;36;42;09
Emily Kerpelman
Wow, maybe. Maybe it is okay, and maybe they would.
00;36;42;09 - 00;36;42;24
Kelly Deutsch
Accept me.
00;36;42;24 - 00;36;43;15
Emily Kerpelman
For who I am.
00;36;46;18 - 00;37;07;22
Emily Kerpelman
Well, it seems like there was this, like, really quick catch up that just happened in the shadow that I really had nothing to do with. I think it was just an awareness that this part achieved. Like, it caught up but it sees the process of biophysics. Again, I've been doing this for a while, and it sees how. Oh, cool.
00;37;07;22 - 00;37;20;16
Emily Kerpelman
So if when it emerges, you can actually work with it and then it won't be doing maybe what it does or it can do something similar that isn't quite so uncomfortable. Mm.
00;37;23;07 - 00;37;59;29
Emily Kerpelman
But the way it's this like unwrapping layers thing, like an onion or present or something where it's, it's there. I'm taking the first layer off with this parts uh, allowing it that is permission. And then I can open this box and sort of, you know, let everybody out for a second so we can see what's going on there and then possibly the part that the thing about this process that hurts we can fix can help that part.
00;38;00;25 - 00;38;04;18
Emily Kerpelman
And this one's getting that now, Mm. Yeah.
00;38;04;19 - 00;38;31;20
Kelly Deutsch
Yeah. So it sounds like that part in the shadows is recognizing that this system we were looking at of the like the filter and the worry and sometimes shame or frustration, those parts that all work in concert don't always have to be reactive. Like we can now step in, especially you as, as an adult, your adult self can step in and say, whoa, hey, time timeout guys.
00;38;31;20 - 00;38;38;19
Kelly Deutsch
Like, what's what's going on in here? Instead of it just being a knee jerk reaction that then the part in the shadow has to feel.
00;38;39;09 - 00;39;05;11
Emily Kerpelman
Awful about right And I'm also just aware of how how different it is to just have the experience because it feels familiar. It's something that I have seen or felt countless times, but it's a really different experience to like, it's, it's almost like it's happening in my peripheral vision. I'm aware of it, but now I'm looking at it.
00;39;05;19 - 00;39;38;17
Emily Kerpelman
Mm hmm. And how? How? Now that I know what it feels like as it's activated and what happens, just rapid fire when this whole thing is spinning. Mm hmm. That maybe, like, the first step is taking, like, I can actually take a step back as it's happening. Maybe because now it. Yeah, and that, you know, that maybe it won't hurt so much because I won't get all spun up and in the feelings because I'm not defined by those feelings are just something that's happening.
00;39;38;18 - 00;39;44;29
Emily Kerpelman
So I can sort of a chemical, that sense thing. Yeah. Just by noticing. Yeah.
00;39;46;04 - 00;39;52;13
Kelly Deutsch
Yeah. How does that Channel four shut off how does that shadow part.
00;39;53;00 - 00;40;13;14
Emily Kerpelman
Of its going shadow farts like maybe that can be its name. Well, that was amazing. Yeah, it's. Everything feels really good right now. This felt like a really good necessary moment. Yeah.
00;40;15;20 - 00;40;16;02
Emily Kerpelman
Good.
00;40;17;27 - 00;40;22;08
Kelly Deutsch
There anything else that either that shadow part slash.
00;40;22;12 - 00;40;23;21
Emily Kerpelman
Shadow foreign.
00;40;24;03 - 00;40;27;18
Kelly Deutsch
And that system of parts want to share with you before we.
00;40;28;16 - 00;41;12;06
Emily Kerpelman
Close you know, there's just this shared feeling of relief and it's that it's not that bad even though it feels that way. And that, that this that I am here now with them with real awareness for the system, how it works and why it exists just feels much better and there's just this like, Oh, okay, good. So maybe there is chance that this won't hurt so much in the future.
00;41;12;21 - 00;41;18;07
Emily Kerpelman
Yeah. There's some hope in I'm grateful for that. Yeah.
00;41;18;07 - 00;41;27;19
Kelly Deutsch
Trying to extend that gratitude to all those parts for showing up and dialoging with us during those memories.
00;41;29;26 - 00;42;02;11
Emily Kerpelman
And I'm also just aware of how differently they look to me now as to when we started because I was really, really we called blended with this one that was like, I wish that wasn't there. Can we not talk about it? Even, you know, this, like feeling of the who does this, you know, this critical thing. And now I see all of it from more of a distance and like can sense how young they are and have a lot of compassion for that.
00;42;02;17 - 00;42;07;01
Emily Kerpelman
They get it. Mm hmm. Nice shift. Yeah.
00;42;07;05 - 00;42;15;26
Kelly Deutsch
Beautiful How are you feeling in your body at this point?
00;42;17;16 - 00;42;18;05
Emily Kerpelman
Hmm?
00;42;21;29 - 00;42;33;21
Emily Kerpelman
Not as shaky. Like there was just this trembley sort of thing going on, and I can still sort of feel it in my gut, but the rest of me feels pretty steady. It's, like, gotten really small. Mm hmm.
00;42;35;16 - 00;42;40;04
Kelly Deutsch
Yeah. Even just watching your your shoulders release as you kind of side there and.
00;42;41;13 - 00;42;42;03
Emily Kerpelman
Oh.
00;42;42;23 - 00;42;46;09
Kelly Deutsch
Some level of parts relaxing.
00;42;47;09 - 00;42;50;22
Emily Kerpelman
Yeah. Beautiful. We'll give you a.
00;42;50;22 - 00;42;52;24
Kelly Deutsch
Moment to get back in the room.
00;42;54;08 - 00;42;59;14
Emily Kerpelman
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It feels much better.
00;43;02;22 - 00;43;27;14
Emily Kerpelman
You know, I'm struck, too, by how when I do demos like this with an audience, how you can just feel people with you as you do work like this, and it really helps. Is it first? It's really unnerving because you're exposing something about who you are and the structure and of something inside and how vulnerable that can be.
00;43;27;14 - 00;43;57;08
Emily Kerpelman
That exposure But as soon as I have compassion for what's going on, I can feel, even though people aren't with me physically, I can feel the maybe it's from you that I'm noticing it mostly, but this like a collective caring, I guess it makes it you know, it's risky, but it makes the work a lot deeper and a lot more fruitful.
00;43;57;08 - 00;44;01;08
Emily Kerpelman
And I'm grateful. Hmm. Beautiful. Yeah. I'm glad.
00;44;01;08 - 00;44;03;12
Kelly Deutsch
For that collective presence that's able to.
00;44;03;26 - 00;44;11;08
Emily Kerpelman
Hold you. Mm hmm. Mm mm. Yeah, me too. Yeah. Beautiful. Yeah.
00;44;11;29 - 00;44;16;05
Kelly Deutsch
Any other thoughts or reflections you'd like to share on that experience?
00;44;17;24 - 00;44;46;13
Emily Kerpelman
Well, there's a part of me that is totally open to discussing anything that transpired, so, like, I'm not overly concerned with discuss this. This. This part is, like, go for it, you know? Mm hmm. They're all out there anyway. Yeah. So I'm not even sure if we have time for that, but, um, yeah, I'm feeling like there was a part of me that kept wanting to highlight things as they were occurring, so I was really wanting people.
00;44;46;13 - 00;44;47;03
Kelly Deutsch
To.
00;44;48;27 - 00;44;55;12
Emily Kerpelman
I didn't I didn't want what I, what I was experiencing to not be clear or to not be connectable. Sure.
00;44;57;24 - 00;45;10;13
Emily Kerpelman
So, yeah, maybe. Maybe we can turn it to you and see if there is anything that was of note for you that that could be helpful. For those trying to learn this model a little bit more. Hmm. Mm hmm.
00;45;16;00 - 00;45;38;23
Kelly Deutsch
One thing that's coming up is just noting, noting how you feel towards parts. That's how we tell, in effect, if you're in self or not, that deepest part of you because like you had that part that in the shadows that kept popping up and was like, I don't want to do this. You know, like, clearly that's not that's not self energy.
00;45;38;23 - 00;46;09;29
Kelly Deutsch
That's a part that's, you know, sharing its emotions but in order to move forward, we need enough of that self energy, which is the curiosity, the compassion, the connectedness, all of those key words that help us know that we can move forward and talking with the part because it doesn't help if we have one part that's feeling shamed of another part or angry with another part because then we often just end up in the same kind of whirlwind cycle that we often are.
00;46;10;00 - 00;46;11;15
Emily Kerpelman
So yeah, I.
00;46;11;16 - 00;46;12;15
Kelly Deutsch
Thought that was of note.
00;46;13;08 - 00;46;39;18
Emily Kerpelman
Absolutely. And just just to add to that a bit, it's this model is wonderful and how respectful it is of people systems to just what you're saying about having enough self present in like understanding what parts are like. So when we ask like how do you feel toward this part, it's to detect if there are any other parts present, because if there are, the healing is not possible.
00;46;40;06 - 00;47;03;28
Emily Kerpelman
It's not possible if there's any sort of judgment in between you and your target part at least if it's like directly in front or whatever, if they're kind of off to the side and allow your self energy to lead then yeah, it's, it's definitely possible. But if, if there is a part that is protecting me from what's occurring.
00;47;05;05 - 00;47;21;06
Emily Kerpelman
This model respects that and is saying, okay, so I can't actually go forward without your permission to this part of me. That was like, I don't think so to guys like what are you thinking exposing this? We have to understand that first before I can move forward.
00;47;21;06 - 00;47;42;14
Kelly Deutsch
And right, so we turn towards whatever that protector part is or whoever standing in the way. So if you I mean that's a very easy way to start and EYFS is if you have a part of you that you get really frustrated with, you know, let's say it's your people pleasing tendencies or an addiction that you have or like a pattern in relationships that you keep falling into.
00;47;43;03 - 00;48;10;23
Kelly Deutsch
That's one part, that pattern or whatever it is. And then the frustration you have towards that is another part. And so working with oftentimes you have to work with that frustrated part or the angry part or whatever it is. First, before you can ever get to that part underneath. That's trying the best that it can the way that it knows how to protect you or somehow make your life livable.
00;48;11;15 - 00;48;42;28
Emily Kerpelman
Yeah. Yeah, definitely. And in in doing that detection right? Like at looking at this middle part and then the frustrated part, a really great practice for me. And I feel like it's pretty popular for a reason in the office world, but it's mapping parts and it's not complicated. It's not like mapping. It's, you know, I when I do it, I draw a circle and I write qualities like frustrated part and then anything else that kind of comes up and then draw a line.
00;48;42;28 - 00;49;12;05
Emily Kerpelman
It's like this frustrated part. It's frustrated at this part. And I draw this and then write out whatever that is. And in doing that, you slow the process down in your head enough so that you can actually see what's maybe even in between that. And then like, you know, it's really can be there's a lot present and it's a great way to practice noticing parts and slowing things down enough for yourself so you can really get information about the system that exists, the one that you're looking at or experiencing in real time.
00;49;12;24 - 00;49;42;28
Emily Kerpelman
It's helpful to get it out of your head and onto paper that actually helps me tremendously, especially when I'm in a state of being triggered to slow things down and have some awareness that allows a little tiny bit of separation and a little more space. When I have spaciousness, that for me is how I know that self is present first is that there is this like it doesn't feel like I am smushed by my feelings anymore.
00;49;42;29 - 00;49;52;22
Emily Kerpelman
There's this like, okay, I can kind of move it, can actually feel it in my chest. Like this breath is easier. And yeah.
00;49;52;22 - 00;49;54;19
Kelly Deutsch
I love that spaciousness.
00;49;57;13 - 00;49;57;27
Emily Kerpelman
To start.
00;49;58;14 - 00;50;25;14
Kelly Deutsch
That's a wonderful exercise. And yeah, I'm amazed I did a few months ago a mapping exercise with some parts and just went through all of my parts that I could come up with like and really just went through and connected. Like what? Exhale, are they protecting? And that was such a powerful activity, like, oh my gosh. And to see which parts were protecting the same exile.
00;50;25;19 - 00;50;44;26
Kelly Deutsch
And for those who didn't watch our last episode, we were in exile was basically one of those parts that holds a lot of pain. A lot of times and they're trying to protect you from feeling that. But this is something that I mean, Emily, you and I have talked about doing like a shadow work bootcamp and taking people through this.
00;50;44;26 - 00;51;05;06
Kelly Deutsch
So if that's something that you're interested in, let us know in the comments, because we'll definitely prioritize that if that's something we have a lot of interest in because there's so many parts in here. And once you're able to just like Emily demonstrated today, when you're able to connect with them, hear their stories, there's just so much relief that comes from that.
00;51;05;13 - 00;51;07;05
Emily Kerpelman
Like, Oh, maybe.
00;51;07;05 - 00;51;09;01
Kelly Deutsch
I don't have to work quite so hard in there.
00;51;10;19 - 00;51;30;26
Emily Kerpelman
Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of protection that takes a lot of energy that we a lot of times we're not even aware that we're doing or aware that there is any other option that I have that's creates options and makes us aware of the fact that we have choice in our how we feel and how we respond to the world.
00;51;32;22 - 00;51;35;23
Emily Kerpelman
So, yeah, beautiful.
00;51;36;01 - 00;51;47;08
Kelly Deutsch
Well, thank you so much for being a willing client today and a thank you to all of your parts for allowing us to get a little view inside.
00;51;47;26 - 00;51;51;23
Emily Kerpelman
Heck yeah. And thanks for such a great facilitation, Kelly, and for having me this.
00;51;52;02 - 00;51;58;27
Kelly Deutsch
You're absolutely if people were ever interested in having a session with you or learning more, where should they go?
00;51;59;16 - 00;52;10;29
Emily Kerpelman
Yeah, so I have a website. It's EQ coach here's all the information you need there, and I look forward to hearing from you guys if you want to talk further. Wonderful.
00;52;11;11 - 00;52;13;29
Kelly Deutsch
Thanks, everyone. Thanks, Emily.
Tags :
Personal development
Spiritual direction
Executives
Leadership roles
Internal work
Trauma
Initiation
Crisis
Shadow work
Spiritual growth
Internal Family Systems (IFS)
Exiles
Managers
Firefighters
Self-awareness
Inner world
Parts of self
Exile, Manager, Firefighter model
Emotional pain
Books
"Internal Family Systems Therapy" by Richard C. Schwartz